#WVW = WORD VOMIT WEDNESDAY. This is a blogging series that my amazing friend, Taylor, and her friend started, which inspired me to join as well!
A lot has been going on in my life right now. I got my first “real” job after graduating college, Micah, my boyfriend of over 5 years, and I have mutually decided to break things off — which is another story for another blog post because it’s late and I’m too tired to get into that, and I have just busy with the daily, weekly, monthly things that always go on throughout my life.
BUT amidst everything, I always have this urge to continue writing blogs and this yearning in the deepest pits of my heart (don’t know if that’s a thing, but it is now) to do more meaningful things with my life. Be an encouraging blogger for other young ladies, start a business that has a purpose to help others, start the process of making my family’s first film together, and the list goes on. But apparently yearnings aren’t enough for me to actually get off my now-flat-from-sitting-at-a-9-to-5-job-all-day butt and start do something meaningful.
Last Thursday night, I spent late hours sitting inside my friend, Taylor’s, car in front of Pinkberry babbling on with her about goals and aspirations and just analyzing what to do with life. She’s in the same boat as I am so she totes gets me. We both always dream together about making a dent in this world and making our lives matter, but never know where to start. We want to reach the lost for Jesus, help people in need, make powerful films, see the world, and still have time to shop a little on the way. About a week later and all I’ve been doing is still pondering. But tonight, I read Taylor’s #WVW about inspiration and how she doesn’t do anything about it and all I could hear in my head was what my mom used to tell me in high school when I would never do my chores. I would tell her how I was going to scrub the bathtub or I was going to wash the dishes, but then she’d say, “Good intentions don’t mean anything when you don’t actually do it.” (See mom, you can’t tell me I never listen to you!) Which is so true and definitely goes along with Taylor’s post. What’s the point of feeling inspired if you don’t actually act upon it. It does no good. God puts these inspirations in us for a reason and if we don’t do anything about them, He’ll use someone else who will actually follow through. This exact thing happened to my dad. He had this great film idea that he and my mom felt God put on their hearts to do, but they did not act upon it for years, so next year, that film with the same exact story is already going to be playing in theaters. Someone else followed through in doing something about that inspiration and God’s plan was still done.
Two other things that have been pressing on my heart lately to get up and doing something are 1) the mental health conference that Pastor Rick and Kay Warren did at Saddleback a few weekends ago that I’ve been editing videos for and 2) sharing my confusions about life with my best friend/sissy poo, Nikki, the night after talking with Taylor. Coincidence? I think not.
God is strategically placing all these people and conversations in my life, trying to soften my jaded heart and get me to move. I probably have forgotten what passion feels like for a long time now because I see all these things I could be doing and all these people I could be reaching out to, but I get selfish and stay in my introverted bubble. I have lost my passions because I have left them sitting around for so long, but I cannot live like that anymore. I just feel so useless and purposeless and sitting around brings me to places mentally that I don’t want to be. I end up staring at social media, comparing my life to people who are actually doing things with their lives and instead of being excited for and encouraged by them, I end up resenting myself more because I am not like them. Then I start getting depressed and feeling worthless, like there’s no point of me living. I always just think I’m tired of crap in this world and everything would just be easier if I just went to heaven already. But that’s me being selfish because I know I am called to reach others, not just be content with only myself being saved, and because I get so far away in my thought process from my initial inspiration that I just completely lose it. I don’t think breaking up with Micah at this point in my life was for nothing, and I definitely have the people in my life and the job that I’m working at right now for a reason. A divine reason, I might add. I cannot let my talents and my life go to waste. It is a gift from God and I need to trust and obey Him wholeheartedly. Easier said than done, I know. But I will get to that place one step at a time. And tonight, I took the first step by writing a blog post that I have been postponing for almost two months now.
Before I finish up here, I just wanted to share that tonight at Bible study, we read 2 Peter 3 and it talks about how “the Lord will come like a thief” (verse 10), which means that, just like how you wouldn’t expect it if you were robbed by a thief, you will not expect it when the Lord will return and our life here on earth will be over with. So we have to be prepared. Tomorrow is not promised. When I was talking to Nikki, she told me that we always have to live ready to die and if you died tomorrow, would you be happy with everything you have accomplished thus far? She said she is, but when I thought about it, I don’t know that I am. I mean, there will obviously be goals that will not be met if life was cut short, but I just feel like I definitely have not been living my life to my fullest potential lately. Actually, probably for over a year now. Even while I was in college and in London. My Instagram pictures might have been poppin’, but what you didn’t see was that I spent a lot of my time in my room alone binge watching comedy shows, looking for happiness in humorous characters and fictional stories. My lack of motivation wasn’t because of anything or anyone, so no one start thinking that my parents or Micah or anything else kept me from reaching my full potential. Honestly, it has always just been me, myself, and I. My selfishness kept me from a lot of things. “Oh, I’m too tired to hang out with people today.” “Oh, I just had class all day; all I want to do now is be alone.” “Oh, I’m not in the mood to do that right now.” My decisions have always been based on my current mood and then I don’t invest my time on things that actually matter.
Keep reading in 2 Peter 3:11 and Peter asks, “…what kind of people ought you to be?” Welp, definitely not the kind that I’ve been lately… That’s for dang sure. I need to start praying again that God would break my heart for what breaks His and to see people the way He sees them.
One last thing before I close (Man, and I thought I was going to keep this short. Who was I kidding?), I was reading the Picture Bible tonight with my little sister, Ella, before she went to bed and we were on the story entitled Simon, the Magician, which can be found in Acts 8:5-26. The part that stood out to me was at the end when God sent Philip new instructions while he was asleep to go down the road that runs from Jerusalem to Gaza. And on the next day, he did just that. The Picture Bible literally says, “Without knowing the reason for his journey, or where it may take him, Philip obeys…” How awesome, inspiring, fulfilling, electrifying, fire-stirring, passion-fueling that must be! To get a call from the Lord and JUST. DO. IT. No questions. No overthinking. No if’s, and’s, or but’s.
That’s the life I want to live. That’s the passion I want to have. That’s the kind of dream-chasing I want to be committed to. Will you join me?