The Great Abyss Called Graduation

Lately, I’ve been feeling down in the dumps. There isn’t really one reason as to why I have been feeling this way the past few days, maybe weeks. It’s been more like a whole mush of things — Micah’s dad passing away, lots of people near me getting sick, things in the news, etc. — but I can pinpoint one major thing that has been scaring me… COLLEGE GRADUATION. *cue the frightening background music.

This is more of a personal issue for me. I’ve shared a lot about it recently with friends and family, sometimes jokingly, but I really am scared. And coming home from London kinda made it more of a reality now since I’m back at my home school and all. Granted, I am graduating a year early so I do have to get into the real world a year earlier, but I also started school a year late so I guess I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be for my age? I dunno. I kinda know what I want to do in life — be a film/video editor of some sort — but who knows with what company and in what city and so on. And I feel like I don’t have as much knowledge in my field as most film students and quite frankly, I do not have as much passion for making a film as they do. I see their Instagram posts about how they spend long hours on their weekends to shoot films. I see them doing multiple all-nighters, coming to class with coffee and tired eyes. I see them talking to each other about technical things and new softwares or whatever. I’m just sitting here like hey, welp… I just like cutting clips and putting them together. Hire me please. Give me a chance….

NOPE.

The film industry is politics and my school always tells us we have to network and we have to email the people we meet to follow up every 3 months and we have to be able to sell ourselves in a 1 minute spiel just in case we meet someone important in the elevator. It is all frustrating to me. I feel like I can’t even look at people who work in the film industry anymore without thinking of how this person can hook it up for me later. And I really do not like that mentality.

Why couldn’t I be in a career where people hire you solely for skill, teachability, work ethic, etc. like a normal job? I think that’s part of what’s scaring me the most when I have to look for jobs. Networking… *shudders*

Yesterday, my friend, Melissa, reminded me of one great piece of wisdom though. She said how she has to remind herself that ultimately, she shouldn’t have to force herself to network because ultimately, if God really wants you at a specific job, it’ll happen. God is bigger than networking.

And I know that is very true because I have seen God put “networks” in my life that are not in my life because I networked, but because He placed them there. They’re friends. They’re not seen as just connections. They care for me and I care for them. Not because I forced myself to kiss up to them every 3 months so that they can remember who I am when I need to ask them for a favor. Don’t get me wrong, I know that we have a responsibility to connect with others (hello, LinkedIn) and I do still try to network, but not as rigidly as what I am taught to do. I’m not sitting here waiting for a job to just drop on my lap. But honestly, God has somewhat already done that for me before. He has blessed me in so many ways. He has opened doors for me and closed others. Around this time last year, I was hunting for internships and about 40 applications and plenty of unanswered emails later, God gave me an internship. That day going to my interview, I told God if I don’t get this internship, I’m not going to graduate early and I will accept that. And I got that internship. Sometimes, God just wants you to wait on Him. He does not do things on our time, or else we would be God and I can bet you a bazillion dollars that you would not want me to be God.

I guess this blog post really just served as a reminder for me. Hopefully for you as well. God is faithful. He has shown to be faithful before and He isn’t going to change now. Graduation is daunting and I feel unprepared, inexperienced, and extremely incompetent compared to others. But I just have to keep bettering myself in my craft and keep doing what God wants me to do and I will be fine. He hasn’t told me what my next step is yet, but I know if I seek, I will find. I just can’t give up because I know He won’t leave me hanging. And that is the encouragement and comfort I will hold on to as I go into this dark, mysterious, great abyss.

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